I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
