hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
