Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
