how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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