I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Everyone says I win the strip club
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
