Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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