I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
