you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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