Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
