i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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