Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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