At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
