When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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