remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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