Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
