May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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