It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
