Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
