Your dad touched me again.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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