when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you never un-have a 4some
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
