ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
