Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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