Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
