i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
