if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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