i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
