It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
