Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
