Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
