i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
