Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
whose parrot is this?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
