I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
