I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
