I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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