she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
