I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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