What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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