life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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