And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
