I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
