I met the friendliest cop last night
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The best revenge is premature balding
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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