Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I wish you could order shots online.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
