god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
