he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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