I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
