OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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