Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
