tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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