I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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