as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
