This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
