I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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