Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
