I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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